The Late Nightly Show with Hamnet
by blackace20
Summary: My poor attempt at comedy. Hamnet hosts a late night talk show.
1. Mange Interview

**The Late Nightly Show with Hamnet**

**Mange Interview**

**Author's Note: My very poor attempt at comedy. This is a series of short sketches and interviews with TUC characters in the form of a talk show. And best of all, the host is Hamnet!**

* * *

**Announcer: Hellooooooo everybody! Welcome to a new show we like to call 'The Late Nightly with Hamnet.' And here's your host right now. Everybody give a bid hand to Hamnet!**

*audience applauses as Hamnet enters the stage. He walks over to a microphone.

**Hamnet: Wow, look at all of you. You're al so great! ***audience roars* **Come on, quiet down now. ***audience hushes* **We great a show tonight, a really great show. We're going to be talking to an old friend of mine who was in the only book Suzanne Collins was stupid- I mean nice enough to put me in. Everybody welcome Mange!**

*audience applauses as a rat who has is missing the lower half of his body walks in. Hamnet backs up to a chair and takes a seat. The rat takes a seat on a couch parallel to him.

**Hamnet: So Mange, how is it being dead?**

**Mange: What? I'm not dead.**

**Hamnet: Mange, you're dead.**

**Mange: I don't know what you're talking about. **

**Hamnet: Mange, you're dead. I can see you're skeleton.**

**Mange: ***motions to lower half of body* **Oh this, that's nothing. That's just a… minor injury.**

**Hamnet: Mange, you're dead. You're just in denial. You've been partially digested by giant Venus flytraps for god sake. How are you not dead?**

**Mange: Well, I crawled away eventually-**

**Hamnet: Mange…**

**Mange: and after awhile**

**Hamnet: Mange… **

**Mange: and… and after awhile I found out I didn't really need all of those major organs down there. **

**Hamnet: Mange just accept it, you're dead.**

**Mange: Well Hamnet, you're dead too.**

**Hamnet: What?! That… that's impossible, I'm perfectly alright.**

**Mange: Hamnet, you were killed by cutters. You have a hole in your body!**

**Hamnet: Oh, uhmmm this, ***motions to massive wound* **it's nothing really, just a minor injury.**

**Mange: The cutter's tore apart several of your major organs!**

**Hamnet: Well I guess you really don't need those, and I guess you don't really need a whole lot of blood either.**

**Mange: Hamnet…**

**Hamnet: Mange…**

**Mange: And by the way, how did you get all the equipment for a TV show? I though the Underland was pretty low tech?**

**Hamnet: Oh, all this stuff. It just… fell down a rain gutter and I got it from the museum.**

**Mange: So cameras, a studio, a stage, lights, all of this fell down?**

**Hamnet: Well… yeah.**

**Mange: And how did you get a studio crew and a studio audience?**

**Hamnet: Oh… they just fell down too.**

**Mange: So people just fell down a rain gutter too?**

**Hamnet: Yeah…**

*a long awkward silence lasts for several moments.

**Hamnet: You know what, let's just cut to commercial. Remember, I'm Hamnet and this is the Late Nightly Show with Hamnet. Bye for now! ***Hamnet walks off stage

* * *

**The End**


	2. Gregor Interview

**Gregor Interview**

**Announcer: Welcome back to another episode of The Late Nightly Show with Hamnet featuring your new favorite late night talk show personality… Haaaaamnet! And here he is right now!**

*****Audience applauses. Hamnet comes running onto stage. He runs up to the microphone and grabs a glass of scotch from a stool nearby.

**Hamnet: Hello everybody, you're so lucky. We have- ***audience roars* **Calm down now. We have today a fan favori- ***audience roars* **Come on, be more mature. We have been graced with the main chara- ***audience roars* **Grrrrr… Gregor.**

*Hamnet goes over to his chair and takes a seat while sipping his scotch. Gregor walks in wearing pants that are sagging and a black sweatshirt with his hood on. He takes a seat on the couch. The audience applauds.

**Hamnet: My god, what's happened to you!**

**Gregor: Pfft, I don't know…**

**Hamnet: I mean you used to be so cute running around with your little sword wearing your little clothes slaying every little thing that moved just like all normal twelve year olds did. I mean whoa, you really changed!**

**Gregor: What wa' ya 'spectin, a little boy?**

**Hamnet: Well not exactly but it looks like things have gone downhill for you. I mean this must seem like a pretty dramatic change. So anyways Gregor what-**

**Gregor: Don't call me that!**

**Hamnet: Then what do I call you?**

**Gregor: People call me Gangsta Pimp now, 'cause all the fan fics I'm in make me a total badass and nothing like the real Gregor was in TUC. It's like I was pfft… lost in translation or somethin'.**

**Hamnet: So anyways Gregor-**

**Gregor: It's Gangsta Pimp! **

**Hamnet: Right… So Gr- Gangsta Pimp, what have you been doing lately, besides losing every little drop of innocence?**

**Gregor: Pfft… I don't know. Badass things like stealing stuff, smoking pot, having sex, murderin' peepz, stuff like that.**

**Hamnet: Honestly I should have guessed. So anyways, I was thinking that-**

**Gregor: You know, my peepz also call me Romeo, 'cause I'm always makin' out with Luxa and sleepin' wiz her and stuff like that. Ya' know, I'm like full fillin' the fan fic's author's sexual fantasies and shit. I'm like their pfft… play thing or somethin'.**

**Hamnet: You know what, I hate what generic fan fic authors do to you Gregor *** Gregor opens hismouth* **I mean Gangsta Pimp. It's ridiculous! I rather you have no personality what so ever then have one that makes no sense! **

**Gregor: Oh yeahz, yo'z outburst reminded me tha' Luxa also callz me uhmmm…. When we makin' love she uhmmm… callz me… What was I sayin' again?**

**Hamnet: ***gasps for air* **When you make **_**love**_** to Luxa she calls you…**

**Gregor: Oh yeahz… she callz me Sugar Di-**

**Hamnet: Whoa, whoa, whoa Gregor! This is already a borderline T rated fic, let's not make it into an M fic because then only who will read it are people intentionally searching for M rated fics and no one will ever see it! **(Because you know the more people who read this fic the more reviews… :p)

**Gregor: Ya' know I kinda like my mainstream fan fic image…**

**Hamnet: Okay, The Late Nightly Show is now intervening with all generic and highly stupid Gregors that are suffering from their bad author's terrible writing skills and inept ability to relate their Gregor to the real Gregor. Gregors are not suppose to be totally badass or full fill your wildest sexual fantasies. Suzanne Collins would never have done this, she just made Gregor slightly badass and just kiss, nothing more. So The Late Nightly Show has decided to intervene by starting up a foundation that if you donate a review, we save a generic fan fic Gregor like the one on the show. And if you don't, we kill one. So remember, review! Bye and have a really great time!**

**It's Over!**

**Author's note: Yeah, it may seem like there were a lot of sexual and other inappropriate jokes, they really weren't for that purpose. It was more making fun of generic and stupid fan fic authors/ generic and stupid stories/ and generic and stupid Gregors. I don't usually make jokes like that. And BTW, if this fic does well then there will be a surprise in the future, and I'm giving one big hint: Parody. But don't worry; I'll still continue this fic as well. **


	3. Bane Interview

**Bane Interview**

**Announcer: Welcome back to your favorite talk show hosted by Hamnet-**

**Audience Member: ***stands up* **Isn't this the only talk show hosted by Hamnet?**

**Announcer: ***points at audience member* **Security, escort this man out.**

*security arrives and drags the audience member out.

**Announcer: So anyways, put your hands together for Hamnet! **

**Hamnet: ***Hamnet walks in and heads for the microphone. The crowd roars* **Come on everybody, shut up, Sh-shut up. ***crowd roars again* **I'm serious, shut up!**

*crowd falls silent* until one man stands up and starts screaming again.

**Audience Member 2: ** * after a bit, one man stands up and starts screaming again* **I love Hamnet!! **

**Hamnet: You! ***Hamnet points at the man* **Quit screaming or I'm going to kick you out. Do you wanna be kicked out? Wanna join your friend, the one that just got kicked out by the nameless announcer.**

**Announcer: Actually my name is T-**

**Hamnet: Shut up announcer T!**

**Announcer: Okay…**

**Hamnet: So anyways, do ya'? ***the man shakes his head* **That's right, you don't. Now take a seat and I don't want to hear another peep outta you. **

*the man sits down and starts crying. Another audience member next to him starts comforting him.

*awkward silence.

**Hamnet: Okay then, on to the show! **(/ fic since it's referred to both. Total confusion.) **We have a great show, great, great show. We decided to invite a fan favorite, Ripred** *crowd roars* **Yeah, umm… we decided to invite him, but we couldn't quite contact him. So we sent a messenger to talk to him and umm… he's dead now. ***crowd chuckles* **Umm… I wouldn't really laugh. He's seriously dead now. We found his mangled carcass outside our studio with a card tied to his leg containing very violent threats. ***crowd laughs* **I'm dead serious, no pun intended. I guarantee you his family isn't laughing right now at his funeral. ***crowd laughs* **Pl- ***crowd laughs* **Please ***crowd laughs* **Ah, whatever. So anyways we great someone else pretty good, give it up for Bane! **

*Hamnet walks to his chair. A big fat rat enters and sits on the couch and breaks it.

**Bane: Oh… sorry about that. I umm…**

**Hamnet: It's okay, don't worry about it. We usually break that couch on our Friday night parties. So anyways Bane, there have been some reports from The Underland Chronicle **(Ha, not The Underland Chronicles but chronicle, you know like a newspaper or a tabloid in this case. I know, I'm so smart I amaze myself,) **that I'm pretty sure you won't exactly like.**

**Bane: Reports like what?**

**Hamnet: Reports that you've been gaining just some weight.**

**Bane: What?! That's a gross lie!**

**Hamnet: Well Bane, you did just break the couch with your weight, and not the way we do it on our Friday night parties. We do it with a couple of shots of tequila and either a chainsaw or a wild animal.**

**Bane: Look at me, I'm frekin' huge! I would have broke it anyways!**

**Hamnet: Umm… we ordered a couch that was mostly made of metal, and even you post COC would have been able to been able to sit on it alright. **

**Bane: Maybe I've gained a couple of tons…**

**Hamnet: Bane, just a couple! You're at least ten tons now!**

**Bane: Shut the hell up! You're lying! You're all lying! You're all going to die now!**

**Hamnet: Whoa Bane, you don't have to go all creepy Nazi Hitler on us and monologue like you did in Mark of secrets. We're all friends here, just calm down. **

**Bane: No! It's time to die Hamnet! ***Bane stands up and roars*

**Hamnet: Yeah, we kinda planned for this since Bane has all ways been a bit unstable so we have a way to stop him. Anyone have a guess?**

*audience member raises his hand.

**Hamnet: Yeah um you.**

**Audience Member 3: A zombie Ares and horny teenage gangster Gregor.**

**Gregor: ***yells from backstage***It's Gangsta Pimp!**

**Hamnet: You're still here!**

**Gregor: Y'all got good tacos.**

**Hamnet: Actually, tacos is sort of close. We put bombs in the crawler burritos Bane was snacking on back stage.**

**Bane: Like that's gonna stop me! Like stupid burritos are gonna kill- Wait, did you say bombs?**

*Bane suddenly explodes.

**Hamnet: Okay… Well I guess-**

*Audience suddenly explodes.

**Hamnet: Ooh… Bad call on handing those out to the audience before the show. I need to fire whoever did that promotion.**

**Announcer: He ate on too.**

**Hamnet: Then less work for me. So long, and see you next time!**


End file.
